The cost of dreams unfulfilled

When I was a kid, despite living a confusing tumultuous childhood like most of us where we felt like we were more dragged through it than anything, there were times where I actually believed I could achieve magic.

I thought that one day my brother Kim and I would be spies and do spy things, so we practiced, learning code, writing and recording the goings on of our family, which actually got very boring so we gave up.

So then the decision was made to learn to jump off the highest stack of the hay shed, making sure I commando rolled at the bottom, the precise moment my feet thudded to the ground.

This honed technique was later also used to jump off the roof of my family home, after first climbing barefoot up the grape trellis, balancing on the poles, making my way onto the grey-blue tiles where I could sit and watch the road, far far away.

No-one could get to me there. No-one could see me. I was above the whole world.

When it came time to get down, I would just jump, my favourite bit. Just jump. Not even knowing if there would be something sharp or dangerous hiding in the pile of leaves or jumbles of hay straw, not even asking the question.

This is something I would NOT suggest trying ever. How I never broke any bones whatsoever through my childhood has stunned my adult self. That literally could’ve been the end of my story.

Thankfully though, I can still close my eyes and hear the great whoooooshhh sound in my ears, with pure pride and the memory that my child within at that split second moment, felt like there was nothing she couldn’t do.

Over time though, things change. Bravery gives way to the fragile crumblings of reality where things don’t make sense, relationships fail, dreams wither, things get lost, and people leave and you’re still the kid on the roof with the big wide dreams of the world.

But now, you have absolutely no idea how to get down.

It seemed so easy before. Just jump.

How did we go from that brave bold child who knew how to take chances, to one that gets so tied up with potential pitfalls that taking a step in any direction just seems too difficult to do?

That staring at a wall seems easier because there’s no risk or harm if you just stay in that one spot….except, it’s not easier. It’s harder.

Because there’s a hidden cost in staying in that one place, it’s the not achieving, it’s the what ifs, the time slipping by with regret, it’s not ever hearing that woosh in your ears on the way down, that feeling of euphoria when you have overcome a great challenge, and the great gift you carry through life that with even the hardest things you go through, you at least have the little voice inside your head that says “If I can get through that, I can get through anything.”

Although, that little voice, that little child within….. sometimes she whispers more than shouts, she looks at bank statements and sees the inability to pay this weeks rent, she gets so caught up in fear of the many choices and what step to take next, so she stays frozen.

But we can either stare at the wall, or we can paint a mural on it.

We can take one step forward, and then take another.

We can breathe deep and pick one thing in our pile of dreams and start, even if it’s just one day at a time, one bit of research towards achieving it.

And if that dream doesn’t look right, then we make another dream.

We make that one phone call to see where it goes.

We experiment with a new goal just to see if it fits.

We ask ourselves if the path we are on is making us truly happy.

Because the only failure in failing, is staying in the exact same place and trying nothing at all. Or wasting a lifetime losing parts of ourselves in wishing things could have been different if only we could be brave again. That is the true cost of dreams unfulfilled.

We might not have everything work out as magically as we planned it be, but then again, we may just hear the wooosh in our ears on the way down and remember it a lifetime through.

So then, what’s your next step?